Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Crazy Life of Mom-Boobs

**I'm so excited to announce that I've started a youtube channel discussing everything home making. My channel name is Surviving As Mom.  Check it out!! http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmrj6ilyMI5G2hnraXRWpEQ

A woman's boobs help to define her as a woman.  Breasts are what make us feel sexy and beautiful.  They can even be our power or our weakness.  However, once we become a mother, our boobs become something completely different.  They even take on a life of their own...

First, when we become pregnant, they swell up to triple (or more) their normal size, they weigh a ton and hurt like hell.  We suddenly look like we belong on National Geographic in Africa with our giant, dark, pancake areolas and huge protruding nipples.  They randomly squirt milk in all directions like a sprinkler and even leak at times.

Then, after giving birth, they swell even more, get heavier, get hard and lumpy and hurt so much you'd swear they will burst at any second.  Then the new adventure of breast pumps, nursing bras, nursing pads and sucking babies begins.  The breasts that used to only be handled by hands other than yours for sexual pleasure are now being handled by nurses and suckled by an adorable little leach that you just gave birth to.  Your sexy breasts now provide life sustaining food for your most precious possession.  Boobs that went from being a sexy and beautiful accessory now have a real purpose.  The milk is another thing.  First, you will secrete and thick, yellow, syrupy substance called colostrum that will eventually become the white milk we are used to seeing in our refrigerator.  It is odd to see that your boobs can produce milk and you will soon consider yourself to be a cow.  I used to "Moo" when I was feeding or pumping because that's all I felt like.

After a few months of nursing, your severely swollen boobs will change shape and size again.  They seem to deflate some and fall a little.  They've also desensitized some, which is a good thing since in the first few weeks a nursing baby felt like it would suck your nipple right off.  There seems to be the illusion that the nipples have turned to leather from all the wear and tear.  Sometimes you may wonder if you'll ever feel anything again, until the baby starts chewing and biting.  The pain from that will make you see stars!  Seriously!  Again, you will squirt milk at random times in all directions and leak through your clothes at the worst times.  It becomes quite common to sleep with towels and breast pads in order to not wake up completely soaked in sticky milk.

While all this is happening, your boobs are going to take another kind of beating.  Your child/children will bite, pinch, elbow, punch, kick and smash your boobs.  They will even use them as something to hold onto while trying to pull themselves up.  Sometimes I swear they do this stuff on purpose to torture me.  You will find bruises, scratches, cuts and pinch marks on your poor boobs.  These mounds that once made you feel sexy, will now make you feel used, abused and defeated.  You may even feel sick every time you look down and see what reality has done to them.

Once you decide to stop nursing (or pumping), there is the pain and swelling of engorgement all over again.  Your once beautiful, firm, amazing breasts will again swell to an unrecognizable size.  They will also get lumpy and extremely painful again.  The pressure will build up so much that you will swear you are doing permanent damage by not relieving the pressure.  The pressure will also cause you to leak again and the slightest touch is excruciating.  After a few days of this torture, the milk starts to dry and when it is all done, your poor boobs will seem to have died.  They will deflate to a size that is smaller than before you became pregnant and they will look like empty bags because the skin was stretched so much from all the milk.

So now you are left with two, wrinkled, empty, saggy, leathery bags that take odd shapes in different positions.  At times, it will be very sad and painful to see your once vibrant, full, bouncy girls looking so old and used.  It's enough to make any woman want to have a boob job to try to recreate something that will make her feel like a woman again.

This blog was written in memory of my boobs.  After 2 pregnancies (so far) and a full year of almost non-stop nursing, my poor boobs are just an empty shell of their former self.  When I am done having kids, I am definitely getting a boob job!  May they R.I.P.